As a parent educator and family relationship coach, I work with families just like yours and mine all over the world.
I would like to teach you about TEARS which stands for Thoughts - Emotions - Actions - Results - Signals. What you think about with emotion you will act out and sometimes the results will not be what you wanted. Those results then send out signals to the universe and your family. Remember the process of TEARS to stay calm.
When I asked participants in my parenting classes what they do when they are angry or stressed, they say that they yell, swear, throw a shoe or other object or threaten their kids with a punishment. Punishment is a temporary fix for a long term problem.
That may have made the adult feel better temporarily and stopped the child's behavior for that minute. Anger is a basic human emotion. It is necessary to help us make changes in our lives. Anger is only one letter away from danger. It is dangerous to use emotions to force others into submission or to vent rage on people or things.
What Does the Child Learn?
The child learns to kick, throw, yell, swear and threaten those smaller than them if that is how they see the adults in their lives handle stress and anger. Rarely does anything happen in families when you get upset and lose control.
A child's underlying need is to feel safe, loved and protected. Teach with discipline (guide, teacher, mentor) but never punishment (mean, hurtful and demeaning)
Underlying Emotions to Anger
Many times what we are angry at has nothing to do with the child or his behavior. It is only a handy scapegoat. Unfortunately, the child assumes that when you are angry or stressed that it is directly related to him or her, because of their limited experience with the outside world.
Your Underlying Needs
What do you need to feel safe? What would make you calm in the middle of stress? What would give you peace in your heart no matter how much chaos was going on around you?
The feelings we are looking for are: empowered, confident, involved, passionate, hopeful, respected, listened to and being valued. These emotions do not co-exist with stress and frustration but only with a sense of well-being and calm.
To Help You Handle Stress
S Stop what you are doing
T Take a deep breath
R Reflect on who owns the problem
E Evaluate if it is worth a heart attack
S See a picture in your mind of green mountains, flowing river, lilacs or clouds
S Say out loud; "This too shall pass."
© My name is Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, a family relationship coach and author of over 20 books. I give you permission to use this article in teaching or in your magazine, either on or off line. Please keep the content and contact information complete.
I invite you to go to http://www.ArtichokePress.com to join our community of like minded people who want to work together to help children to be respectful, responsible and kind.
If your family needs more assistance than an article or book can give, I recommend the program at http://www.DisciplineYesPunishNo.com It can transform your family.